[1400pilot]

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing football 20 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
Model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She
was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing
next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This was going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY
Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire -like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half
an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to
work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine - - which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that ***** Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on
my triceps, I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven hours of
the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the bi*ch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - - - like a
root canal or a vasectomy.