38 Ways To Be a Good Conservative

[Bodie]

It had to be done.

TO BE A GOOD CONSERVATIVE...

1. You have to believe that teenagers shouldn't learn about safe sex because ignorance is the best way to prevent pregnancy, and besides,only those homos get AIDS and you thank God for that.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to lead all kids in prayer regardless of their faith as long as it's your faith.

3. You have to believe it is intelligent to buy a gun to protect your family and home despite the fact that you are 40 times more likely to kill your own family member than an intruder.

4. You have to believe that it's OK to have an affair as long as you divorce your spouse after you've been caught and marry the mistress. (Dole, Reagan, Gingrich, Barr, etc.)

5. You have to believe that your SUV should be exempt from emission standards even though it spews out 4 times the pollution of any car, because you enjoy sitting high above the congested traffic.

6. You have to believe abortion is always wrong because all lives are precious and you'll kill any doctor who performs one.

7. You have to believe that the minimum wage should be outlawed because thanks to the extreme generosity of corporations you are overpaid.

8. You have to believe that your children will have a well-rounded education by banning books in the public schools and libraries.

9. You have to believe that in case the government goes bad, you'll need your handgun to successfully fight off an organized army that has tanks, aircraft, battleships, missiles, satellites, and 2 million well-trained soldiers.

10 You have to believe that the NRA is good because it supports a self-serving portion of the Constitution, but the ACLU is bad because it supports all portions of the Constitution, even the right for your fellow Klansmen to have a parade in a Jewish neighborhood.

11. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations should make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

12. You have to believe that diversity on your presidential ticket means two Texas millionaire oilmen from different corporations.

13. You have to believe the Hate Crimes Bill is bad because it gives "special protection" to a group of people, but think that laws that prohibit citizens from suing Tobacco Corporations, Gun-makers and HMOs are not special protection.

14. You have to believe that freedom of speech is cherished as long as you like what is being said.

15. You have to believe that over the past 20 years, no Presidential primary is complete without the name Dole and/or Bush on it.

16. You have to believe that trickle-down economics works because the rich surely won't keep all that money to themselves. Look how well it worked during the Reagan-Bush years.

17. You have to believe Clinton is bad because he lied about a private sexual indiscretion under oath, but Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan and George "I wasn't there" Bush are heroes because they lied under oath about illegally selling arms to Iranian militants and giving the cash to drug-smuggling Nicaraguan Contras.

18. You have to believe that its OK for government to sanction religion just as long as it's your religion.

19. You have to believe the homosexual agenda is to get a purple Tele-Tubby to turn our children gay.

20. You have to believe that hunters need assault weapons to assist in natural selection, because they shoot only the starving and sick animals and will not shoot that magnificent 12-point stag.

21. You have to believe that Reagan's tripling the deficit was good for the economy.

22. You have to believe that the best leaders to espouse family values are those with one or more failed marriages (Dole, Reagan, Gingrich, Barr, Limbaugh, etc.)

23. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for "recovery."

24. You have to believe that the members of your national convention represent a good cross-sectional and diverse group of Americans.

25. You have to believe that a national sales tax is better than income tax because everyone uses the same proportion of their income to buy food, clothing, and housing, but really, the only good tax is one which only the poor pay.

26. You have to believe Jesus was a Conservative and shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. You also ask yourself "What would Jesus Do?" and completely ignore the fact that he stayed out of politics, never tried to get a law passed, never tried to obtain wealth, nor spoke of divisive drivel.

27. You believe that charitable organizations should take care of the poor and then give nothing to charity (i.e. **** Cheney).

28. You believe that a rape victim should be forced to raise her attacker's offspring and then fight her attempts to get welfare when she tries to do so.

29. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher (Dubya doesn't count, because he's not a minority. He just became President with the minority).

30. You have to believe that a great way to lower air pollution is to get others to ride mass transit; that way you can get to work in your SUV much faster.

31. You have to believe the talk of Randy Weaver and David Koresh are more important than actions of Franklin Roosevelt and Martin Luther King, and what happened at Ruby Ridge is more important than what happened at Selma, Alabama.

32. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton was crazy for talking to spirits in the White House, but Nancy Reagan is OK for consulting astrologers to help her decide U.S. policies while Ronnie was in the hospital.

33. You have to believe everything that is said by right-wing wackos on talk radio.

34) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him with chemical weapons to fight Iran, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him for Halliburton, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

35) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the extinction of several species of plants and animals therein. Besides, it will prevent forest fires.

36) You have to believe that Aid to Mothers with Dependent children is wasteful, but giving tax breaks to companies moving American jobs overseas is just what government is for.

37) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is good.

3 You have to believe that the public has a right to know what the government is doing but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

[metalesp]

Well I ain't a liberal and apparently I ain't a conservative.
Well now I don't what I am
Which is why I don't care for politics

[Bodie]

Yeah, that's sort of the reason I posted it. By most standards, I'm a liberal, but I don't agree with much of anything on the "how to be a good liberal" list. I suspect most conservatives think this list is as ridiculous as us liberals thought the other one was.

But they are kinda funny.

[Spok]

It had to be done.


27. You believe that charitable organizations should take care of the poor and then give nothing to charity (i.e. **** Cheney).

Vice President Cheney and Mrs. Cheney Release 2005 Income Tax Return



FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT
Terrence O'Donnell
Williams & Connolly LLP
(202) 434-5678
Vice President and Mrs. Cheney released their 2005 federal income tax return today. The return shows that the Cheneys owe federal taxes for 2005 of $529,636 on taxable income of $1,961,157. The Cheneys' adjusted gross income in 2005 was $8,819,006 which was largely the result of the exercise by an independent gift administrator of stock options that had been irrevocably set aside in 2001 for charity. The Cheneys donated $6,869,655 to charity in 2005 from the exercise of these stock options under the terms of the Gift Administration Agreement and from Mrs. Cheney's book royalties from Simon & Schuster on her books America: A Patriotic Primer, A is for Abigail: An Almanac of Amazing American Woman, and When Washington Crossed the Delaware: A Wintertime Story for Young Patriots. As provided in the Gift Administration Agreement, gifts were made to three designated charities named in that Agreement. The Cheneys' return was filed on March 20, 2006.
During the course of 2005 the Cheneys paid $2,468,566 in taxes through withholding and estimated tax payments. Taxes were withheld from their salaries and from the net proceeds of stock options that were exercised under the Gift Administration Agreement. Given that the option proceeds were dedicated to charity, there was a substantial over withholding in 2005 from the income attributable to the exercise of the stock options, which reduced the amount available for charity in 2005.
To enable the gift administrator to maximize the charitable gifts in 2005, the year in which the options were exercised, the Cheneys wrote a personal check in December 2005 to the gift administrator in the amount of $2,331,400. That amount, combined with the net proceeds from the stock options, was given to the three designated charities by the gift administrator. As a consequence, the Cheneys are entitled to a refund of $1,938,930. This refund returns the Cheneys to a neutral position of no personal financial benefit or financial detriment resulting from the transactions under the Gift Administration Agreement. Thus, the Cheneys received no financial benefit from the stock options. The transactions were tax neutral to the Cheneys. The amount of taxes paid by the Cheneys from their income, other than the income from the exercise of the stock options, was the equivalent of what they would have paid if the options had not been exercised.
In a press release of March 5, 2001, the Cheneys reported that they had established the Gift Administration Agreement on January 18, 2001 to donate all net after tax proceeds from various stock options that the Vice President had earned at Halliburton and for their service on the boards of directors of other companies to three designated charities--George Washington University Medical Faculty Associates, Inc. for the benefit of the Cardiothoracic Institute, the University of Wyoming for the benefit of the University of Wyoming Foundation, and Capital Partners for Education for the benefit of low-income high school students in the Washington, D.C. area. By entering into the Gift Administration Agreement the Cheneys divested themselves of the economic benefit of the options and granted the gift administrator full discretion, power and control over the options. The Agreement directed the gift administrator to maximize the gifts to the three charities while avoiding financial or after tax benefit or detriment to the Cheneys. The wage and salary income reported on the tax return includes the Vice President's $205,031 government salary. In addition, the tax return reports the payment of deferred compensation from income earned in 1999 from Halliburton Company in the amount of $211,465. In December 1998, the Vice President elected to defer compensation earned in calendar year 1999 for his services as chief executive officer of Halliburton. This amount was required to be paid in fixed annual installments (with interest) in the five years after the Vice President's retirement from Halliburton and thus could not be paid in a lump sum prior to his taking office. That election to defer income became final and unalterable before Mr. Cheney left Halliburton. The amount of deferred compensation received by the Vice President is fixed and is not affected in any way by Halliburton's current economic performance or earnings. This 2005 payment closes out the payments under the deferred compensation plan. The tax return also reports Mrs. Cheney's royalty income from her book A Time for Freedom: What Happened When in America, salary income from the American Enterprise Institute, and a director's retirement benefit from Reader's Digest, on whose board of directors she served until 2003.



Gores' Charitable Giving Raises Some Eyebrows

WASHINGTON (AllPolitics, April 15) -- In a 34-page 1997 federal tax return, Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper reported giving $353 to charity, an amount much lower than donations the family has made in previous tax cycles.

That figure is less than one-tenth the typical contribution amount for someone with the Gores' adjusted gross income of $197,729. That fact has caused some bewilderment in philanthropic circles because of the vice president's "good guy" image as an advocate for public service and social causes, the Los Angeles Times reported Wednesday.

"I would assume that he would want to do something to demonstrate that he was being socially responsible through his giving ... " Stacy Palmer, managing editor of the Chronicle of Philanthropy, told the Times.

The vice president's office responded by urging that the Gores be judged by their history of giving, not just the dollar figure from one year's tax return. Aides also said some donations could not be claimed on the form, including church contributions and Mrs. Gore's donations of food and clothing to the homeless.

"Contributing financially to charitable organizations is certainly noble and should be encouraged and is something that the Gores have done when the resources were there," said Chris Lehane, a spokesman for the vice president. "However, to truly judge a person's commitment to helping others, you need to consider what they have done with their lives and how they have spent their time -- and by that standard the Gores are extraordinarily committed."

The giving pattern of the Gores has been erratic over the years. Last year they gave $35,530, most of which came from the proceeds of Mrs. Gore's book, "Picture This."

In 1992, aided by the royalties of Gore's book, "Earth In The Balance," the couple donated $52,558. Most of that -- $50,000 -- went to the University of Tennessee to endow a chair in memory of Gore's late sister.

During the years in between the Gores did not itemize their tax returns, and therefore no charitable donation statistics are available for that period.

But this year's $353 ranks very low by national standards. The Times reported that a survey by the pro-philanthropy Independent Sector shows the average American household gave $696 to charity in 1996.

IRS figures rank the Gores' 1997 level far below the average for households in their income bracket. Among households reporting income of $100,000 to $200,000 in 1995, the last year for which information is available, charitable contributions averaged $3,377.

But experts point out that a single household's donations vary greatly from year to year. And Gore's defenders also argue that despite the vice president's salary, he has two daughters enrolled at Harvard University and a son in a private secondary school.

[jukief]

I'm pretty liberal politically, but I'm sick to death of both political parties. They're both corrupt, IMHO, and long ago lost sight of their role--to serve the people. It's all about which lobbiests can put the most money in the politicians' pockets and into their pet projects. I'm just thoroughly disgusted with the state of this country. It'd be really nice if we truly did have a democracy. I'm tired of corporations running this country. And I have no idea what, if anything, can be done about it. Sigh.

[trikebubble]

Ha, what's good for the Goose is good for the Gander my mom always used to say.
That is unless the Goose runs the Farm, and then the poor Gander is pooped.

[SixFiveOh]

I'm pretty liberal politically, but I'm sick to death of both political parties. They're both corrupt, IMHO, and long ago lost sight of their role--to serve the people. It's all about which lobbiests can put the most money in the politicians' pockets and into their pet projects. I'm just thoroughly disgusted with the state of this country. It'd be really nice if we truly did have a democracy. I'm tired of corporations running this country. And I have no idea what, if anything, can be done about it. Sigh.

Just change the word liberal in your post to conservative and you've pegged me pretty good.

[BamaBob]

jukief
I'm pretty liberal politically, but I'm sick to death of both political parties. They're both corrupt, IMHO, and long ago lost sight of their role--to serve the people. It's all about which lobbiests can put the most money in the politicians' pockets and into their pet projects. I'm just thoroughly disgusted with the state of this country. It'd be really nice if we truly did have a democracy. I'm tired of corporations running this country. And I have no idea what, if anything, can be done about it. Sigh.


Yep - that is why it is all a big joke. Doesn't matter - conservative or liberal, Democrat or Republican, black or white, or whatever else - it is summed up very easily. POLITICS SUCKS!!!

My grandpappy, rest his soul, once said "Looks like it don't really matter who is in office anymore - they are all crooks! Seems that nowadays if a fella is honest when he gets elected, he won't be when he leaves! Besides, a hardworking, normal fella can't afford to run for office anymore. Takes a millionaire to even be able to run these days. And millionaires ain't in touch with the everyday working folks! So, it don't really matter anymore."

[jukief]

What we need is a bloodless coup. Throw out all the politicians and start from scratch.

The problem is that the old saying is true. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Once people get into office, even those who started out with the best of intentions seem to go bad. It's either play the game or you're out. And the game stinks.

[kawnine]

[The problem is that the old saying is true. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Once people get into office, even those who started out with the best of intentions seem to go bad. It's either play the game or you're out. And the game stinks.[/QUOTE]

I don't think there are good intentions anymore. It takes so much cash to run for the public office, that decent people rarely have the opportunity to do so.

[tminos]

This is why I'm voting Pirate!. Arrr!

[bross]

What we need is a bloodless coup. Throw out all the politicians and start from scratch.

The problem is that the old saying is true. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Once people get into office, even those who started out with the best of intentions seem to go bad. It's either play the game or you're out. And the game stinks.

Or if they aren't corrupted, I really don't think politicians have much power today anyways. Who is on capital hill no matter what party is elected? Bureaucrats and lobbiests. They and the people/corporations behind them are the real power brokers. Politicians are just puppets who do as they're told to make most of us feel good. I don't envy the politicians, it would be an extremely difficult job. Has anyone ever participated in government at any level? Ever been on a local school board? I served on my condo board years ago and man, people are insane! A very simple common sense decision that would save our condo thousands a month could not be passed because of one or two weirdo's with very strange ideas. Expand that scenario to your own country and it is impossible to please everyone or even anyone at times. I guess we should be grateful that we have people who will even try their hand at politics. I don't like the alternative.

[trikebubble]

What we need is a bloodless coup. Throw out all the politicians and start from scratch.

The problem is that the old saying is true. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Once people get into office, even those who started out with the best of intentions seem to go bad. It's either play the game or you're out. And the game stinks.

Umm, by all accounts you had a "bloodless coup" two elections ago. Remember Florida?

[Tod]

Ha! Good one Bodie. Turnabout is totally fair play in my book.

[anrfknm]

What we need is a bloodless coup. Throw out all the politicians and start from scratch.

The problem is that the old saying is true. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Once people get into office, even those who started out with the best of intentions seem to go bad. It's either play the game or you're out. And the game stinks.

right now i'm leaning toward a bloody coup.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
Thomas Jefferson

[zedx11]

I call foul


























Just kidding, you have the right to be wrong. I served in the military to help protect that right.

[CTRider]

I grew up in a republican household. However, I can't really dispute much of what was listed. Of course it goes for both parties....

However, the one that is too much of a generalization is this one:

5. You have to believe that your SUV should be exempt from emission standards even though it spews out 4 times the pollution of any car, because you enjoy sitting high above the congested traffic.

I should point out that isn't always true. While, those vehicles do use more gas, the emmissions they put out are surprisingly small. For example, my 4.6 liter V8 produces hydrocarbon emissions similar to the average Honda Civic. Basicly, though I burn more fuel, I do it much more cleanly.

Now, if you want to say that these gas burners are keeping us indebted to oil companies, that is somewhat true. However, consider the many luxury cars that get less than 25MPG. My sister has a little V6 that only gets 27MPG - and she drives 40 miles each way for work. I drive 5 round trip at roughly 17MPG. Consider how many fleet vehicles could take advantage of commuter-friendly fuel saving technologies, but continue to run on straight gas. Consider how many houses in the Northeast use oil or natural gas for heat. Consider how the tech industry convinces us to constantly upgrade our computers, phones and other gadgets made mostly from petrolium products.

It's easy to point the finger at one thing, but it's never that easy.

Sorry for the rant. I just get sick of people giving me disgusting looks at the gas pump despite the fact that my fill up (22 gallons) will last me a month (with the amount I drive), while their's (10-12 gallons) won't even go a week. In the end, though mine was twice as much to fill, I filled up 1/4 as often. I'm still burning less than they are. Not everyone who drives something big is evil.

[robrider]

Umm, by all accounts you had a "bloodless coup" two elections ago. Remember Florida?

Are you from the same planet? Every recount after the fact by mainstream media (liberal, by the way) said Bush won. If you want to talk about voter fraud, well the democrats have that area won by a huge margin. Now, before you say I'm a republican, I don't agree with much that this republican run government has done. Bush has yet to veto a bill. I mean, they are giving Alaska something like 600 million to build a bridge to an island with like 50 people on it. How does that make sense? Buy them all a plane, it would be cheaper. But bringing up the same old garbage about Florida is ridiculous!

[SleekStreak]

Let it go... anyway... after seeing how Al Gore has revealed himself to be a total wacked out nutjob over the last six or seven years, did we really want him running our country anyway??? We dodged a major bullet, in my opinion. I've turned a full 180 on that guy. What a freak.

[SleekStreak]

27. You believe that charitable organizations should take care of the poor and then give nothing to charity (i.e. **** Cheney).

Yeah, I'm with Spok on this one. Most of them were funny, but I gotta wonder what the author of this was thinking when he wrote this one. Did he believe it? In addition to Spok's post on the subject, this was a huge campaign point during the Bush vs. Kerry election.

Kerry refused to make his tax returns public since marrying Teresa Heinz, despite demanding Bush do so (Bush immediately did, by the way). So, the media compared the last four years of Kerry's public tax returns to the same time period for Bush. Kerry's charitable contributions for those years were $0, $2,039, $175, and $820. Bush's charitable contributions in the same years were $28,236, $212,313, $31,914, and $419,481.

That one is kind of backwards, in my opinion.