Found some good funny stuff

[metalesp]

-What ever wife or girlfriend show know !


1. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry
it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something
it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7. If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would
appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

8. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And
remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain
accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

11. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you
should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

[metalesp]

GOODMORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign above the bar.


Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
**** ***: $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the **** ***?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands; I want a cheese sandwich!"

[metalesp]

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his
father trying to catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I a full-blooded polar
bear?"

His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."

The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?"

"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear..."

"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"

"Yes son, I'm sure."

"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear in me?"

"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."

"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"

"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these
questions?"

The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my A$$ off out
here!"

[BigJohn]

I think' you're gonna catch heck for that first one...But it is good.

[zedx11]

I like the polar bear one

[YurFatMom]

The first one is great. Might stir up some controversy though...

[Saki.Girl]

the first one was good

[Silviar]

I'm just glad my fiancee doesn't think like the first one. If he didn't help with chores like laundry, he wouldn't be here. And I'd prolly keep his bike as payment.

I liked the cheese sandwich and polar bear ones.

[fretbuzz]

Thank goodness I have a stay at home wife. Very expensive, but I never have to do laundry.

[fretbuzz]

Go Joe!

[BEANER]

hope it's not one of us

[BEANER]

Was thinking of putting this on the ladies only page but didn't want to get beat up

[metalesp]

Originally Posted by BigJohn

I think' you're gonna catch heck for that first one...But it is good.

I got my flame retardant suit on, as well as the protective armor.

[metalesp]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his male patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[metalesp]

Funny Bumper Stickers
>
> Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
> Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
> I brake for no apparent reason.
> Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
> Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
> We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
> He who laughs last thinks slowest.
> Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
> It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
> Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
> Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
> Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
> I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
> Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
> Born free...Taxed to death.
> The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
> Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
> I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
> Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
> Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
> Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
> I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
> Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
> If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
> Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
> No radio - Already stolen.
> Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
> I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
> Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
> OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
> Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
> I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
> Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
> IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
> Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
> It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
> Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
> Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
> A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
> Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
> How can I miss you if you won't go away?
> Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
> Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
> We are born naked,wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
> Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
> Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
> Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
> Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
> i souport publik edekashun.
> Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
> There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
> Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

[metalesp]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one
of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said.
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation
Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked
"What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

[metalesp]

Subject: Performance Evaluations

"These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:"

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better.
12. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
13. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
14. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
15. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
16. I would like to go hunting for him sometime.
17. He's been working with glue too much.
18. He would argue with a signpost.
19. He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
20. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
21. When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
22. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one.
23. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
24. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
25. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
26. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
27. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
28. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
29. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
30. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
31. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
32. One neuron short of a synapse.
33. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
34. Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 minutes.
35. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
36. This boy is so confused that he gets tangled up in cordless
phone.

[metalesp]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue
needed someone to ID the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim Bob and Billy Joe, to come and try to ID the body.

Jim Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim Bob said
"Yep, he's burnt purty bad. Roll him over." So, the mortician rolled
him over, and Jim Bob looked at his butt and said "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange.

Then he brought in Billy Joe to ID the body, and Billy Joe looked at him
and said "Yep, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled
him over, and Billy Joe looked down at his butt and said "No, dat ain't
Bubba."

The mortician said "How can you tell?"

Billy Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two a$$holes."

"What? He had two a$$holes?!" said the mortician.

"Yep. Everyone in town knew it, too. Every time the three of us went to
town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes

[metalesp]

Subject: Moses, Jesus, and another guy


Moses, Jesus, and another guy were playing golf one day. Moses
stepped up to the tee and drove a low shot. It landed in the fairway and rolled
directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side safely.

Next Jesus strolled to the tee and hit a nice line drive directly toward the same water trap. It landed exactly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.


The third guy gets up and haphazardly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic of the adjacent street. It bounces off a truck, hitting a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and runs down into the rain gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond the ball hits a small stone and bounces out over the water onto a lily pad where it rests quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lily pad and $natches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog and flies away. As the eagle and frog pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.


Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Dad."

[metalesp]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch. She is reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden - a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I've always wanted to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"And your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF*** There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and leans over close to her. And then he whispers in her ear:

"NOW I bet you're sorry you had me neutered..."