blonde with a flat tire

*anamosity* · 05-27-2007

A blonde has a flat tire on Interstate I-75, so she eases over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at each end of the vehicle facing both oncoming and following traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers....

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?! asks the Officer...

"Well . . . Duh! Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

*anamosity* · 05-27-2007

First grade teacher

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

*anamosity* · 05-27-2007

OMG, this is so wrong but I am still laughing

YouTube - jesus I will survive

PNKFLYD · 05-27-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by anamosity

OMG, this is so wrong but I am still laughing

YouTube - jesus I will survive

OMG I was crying. Too funny...!!!!!

A2rider · 05-27-2007

Gene, that was waaaaaay messed up!

Saki.Girl · 05-27-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by anamosity

OMG, this is so wrong but I am still laughing

YouTube - jesus I will survive

LOL wrong but funny

Fab Man · 05-27-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by anamosity

OMG, this is so wrong but I am still laughing

YouTube - jesus I will survive

Your right, but I laughed so hard I think I hurt myself.

VulcanSki · 05-27-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by anamosity

First grade teacher

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

ROTFLOL

still !

Ski

Tattoomarc · 05-27-2007

good stuff

CatchMeIfYouCan · 05-29-2007

An oldie (for those who've been online for ages, as evidenced by the prices), but still a goodie.

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee : Total = $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree shaped air freshening thingy for car.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump contents into a hole you have to dig in the back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18 ) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer.! No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28 ) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38 ) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48 ) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

Total = $1350.00

G'day again from AussieLand

*jukief* · 05-29-2007

Hey, I have to tell you that my husband does the female version.

He used to do the male version, but he got lazy (or smart, I'm not sure which).

05-27-2007	#1 (permalink)
anamosity camper special BTK Expert Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Lolo, MT Posts: 13,887	blonde with a flat tire A blonde has a flat tire on Interstate I-75, so she eases over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at each end of the vehicle facing both oncoming and following traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.... It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?! asks the Officer... "Well . . . Duh! Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied. __________________ '08 ZX14 '07 V2K LT - For Sale, PM me for details if interested. May '07 MOM

05-27-2007	#2 (permalink)
anamosity camper special BTK Expert Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Lolo, MT Posts: 13,887	First grade teacher A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry : "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... " __________________ '08 ZX14 '07 V2K LT - For Sale, PM me for details if interested. May '07 MOM

05-27-2007	#3 (permalink)
anamosity camper special BTK Expert Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Lolo, MT Posts: 13,887	OMG, this is so wrong but I am still laughing YouTube - jesus I will survive __________________ '08 ZX14 '07 V2K LT - For Sale, PM me for details if interested. May '07 MOM

05-27-2007	#9 (permalink)
Tattoomarc T,J&R 4ever Forum Supporter Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: New Jersey Posts: 1,359	good stuff __________________ *It does not matter the name on the bike... Its the wind in your face that is important!!!!*

05-29-2007	#10 (permalink)
CatchMeIfYouCan Downunder Newbie BTK Beginner Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Qld - [Brisbane], Australia Posts: 113	Oil Change - Seems to be a place to post funnies, so... An oldie (for those who've been online for ages, as evidenced by the prices), but still a goodie. Oil Changing Instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee : Total = $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree shaped air freshening thingy for car. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump contents into a hole you have to dig in the back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18 ) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer.! No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28 ) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest. 35) Beer. 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 37) Beer. 38 ) Beer. 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 40) Beer. 41) Lower car from jack stands. 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 44) Beer. 45) Test drive car. 46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 47) Car gets impounded. 48 ) Make bail: Get car from impound yard. Money spent: $50.00 parts $25.00 beer $75.00 replacement set of jack stands $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1350.00** G'day again from AussieLand __________________ When I was young, I used to race - now I try to ride at a more leisurely pace.

05-27-2007	#5 (permalink)
A2rider Banned BTK Expert Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: KCK Posts: 19,730	Gene, that was waaaaaay messed up!

05-29-2007	#11 (permalink)
jukief MSF instructor/Forum mum Extreme Forum Supporter Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Fort Collins, CO Posts: 17,984	Hey, I have to tell you that my husband does the female version. He used to do the male version, but he got lazy (or smart, I'm not sure which). __________________ 2002 Vulcan 1500 Classic FI Proud member of Spok's Azz Club (SAC#1) and BamaBob's Nit Pickers Club

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