Texas chili

[woodchucks800]

Some of you have probably read this before, but it is still funny
I think the third judge is Freakin out <G> but It might be bud 8 <BG>???



A TEXAS CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this with out laughing then there's no hope for you.


Inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is judge #3)

Chili #1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent Fire house chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from

all of the beer...

Chili #4 - Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild food, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something s****ing across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb woman is
starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.

Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
Sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a
snow cone.

Chili #7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho hum, taste as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
would not feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing... it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, and fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?



read this, but it is still funny<G>

[2WheelFun]

Man....This is hilarious!!!


Thanks for the ROTFLMAO!!!!!

[Freakinout]

That one is always a classic... but I can take my chili, at least until the next morning when you start hearing the screams coming from the bathroom!

[rwrighter]

That was Great!...still wiping tears from my eyes from laughing sooo hard

[ispeed77]

that one ALWAYS kills me. the other people at work think i am losing it !