Australia

[Granny]

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either; continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weight lifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 11 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a wombat hole, the wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate person will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.

[Granny]

Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish (*the Box Jellyfish has lethal tentacles, over 3ft long, which paralyse, and cause death within 15 minutes), stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.
Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, fencing wire, and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth". The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!". It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:
* "G'Day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
* "She'll be right."
* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist fight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several gallons of water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, Volumes 1-42"
Please enjoy your next visit to ‘The Lucky Country’…

[cmptrmn.1]

I can't wait to visit. And I like beer.

[SilverEagle]

Paul, thanks for a very describing "Travel to Aussie land for dummies" I sooo look forward to get there within the next few years......beer.......anyone said beer.

[captaintoad1]

i would love to go!! we have a friend from austrailia who has moved to the states. i love to hear him talk lol hes so funny!!

[ervins]

I have a case of Fosters waiting for me this long weekend...I would love to visit Australia. Merry Christmas to those down under.

[Granny]

I have a slab in the fridge waiting to be shared with you guys, though I may need to get some more. Also available is some Scotch, Bourbon, and other drinks, we could really have some fun.

[mkelley]

While the Irish got the gift of gab, Aussies certainly got the gift of elocution.

If you're an American travelling in Australia, learn to listen to the whole story or question before attempting to answer. Earlier this week, after finishing riding part of the Waterfall Way into Bellingen, I mentioned to another guy where I was staying that I'd be reversing my route the next day.

Aussie guy: "So you'll be motoring up the escarpment to the basalt plateau?"
Me, after thinking for a minute: "Uh, yeah, I'm riding up the mountain"

[The Vulcaniser]

HAHAHAHAHA!!! that is so true it's uncanny!!

I like to tell visitors from overseas that of the 10 deadliest creatures on the planet, we have the top 8, including spider, snake, sea creatures...... Aussie beer has a nasty habit of placing most Americans on their backsides...... it's close in alcohol content (so i'm told) but it's different to what Americans are used to drinking...... it's indeed a trap for travellers hehehe The place is sparse!! in the extreme.... 85% of our population is based within 30 kilometres of the coast...... place a map of this place over a map of the USA.... not a lot of difference in the size, and we are a nation of only 22 million people, compared to the US which i'm told is around the 300 million mark?
But as it says, we are a friendly bunch, and even though some Aussies say they don't like Americans, in actuality we are very much the same people..... in years gone by, a lot of my best friends were/are American.
If any of you end up over here for what ever reason..... i'm more than happy to share my house, and my beer with you.

Good post Paul!! i got a laugh out of it.

[mkelley]

A couple of weeks ago, an Aussie co-worker (actually a host where I was working) mentioned that the reason Australians like Americans so much, is that like the Canadians, we all hate the British. The way he said it, it was funny. Now I'm sure I'm going to get flamed by our UK bretheren.

[Ishmael]

Originally Posted by mkelley

A couple of weeks ago, an Aussie co-worker (actually a host where I was working) mentioned that the reason Australians like Americans so much, is that like the Canadians, we all hate the British. The way he said it, it was funny. Now I'm sure I'm going to get flamed by our UK bretheren.

Doesn't matter! Their opinions don't count

[trikebubble]

Originally Posted by mkelley

A couple of weeks ago, an Aussie co-worker (actually a host where I was working) mentioned that the reason Australians like Americans so much, is that like the Canadians, we all hate the British. The way he said it, it was funny. Now I'm sure I'm going to get flamed by our UK bretheren.

Ha! That's "bloody brilliant", as my Limey cousins would say. We sure love our Aussie tourists, someone has got to work liftie at all the ski hills......

I sure would love to visit Australia some day, take a peek at your little island.............j/k..............

Merry Christmas to you all down there, and have a great New Years' as well.

Cheers.

[jbsmd]

My son wanted to go there, on some kind of field trip, when he was in high school....lucky we never had the money for him make the trip. Even though it sounds like such a lovely place to visit ,with a stick.

[skewterdewd]

When I was a boy in grade school (circa 1969) Our teacher played a film about Oz in class one day. One of the guys interviewed was a young surfer dude sporting board shorts, shades, and a big floppy hat. "Yer typical Autralian male" he says with a bit of a buzzslur "can be found near the water with a smoke in 'is left hand, a beer in 'is right, and if he's a bit lucky, He'll have em both crossed with a girl in the middle!"

Ever since then, whenever I hear an Australian speak, I think of that guy.

What a fantastic country.

[Obsidian16825]

I've wished I could visit for years. Never knew how deadly the platapus is. The one on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood seemed so benign.

Just sitting here quietly thinking of a lot of the Australian influences we have here, now that it's nearly midnight, and I often ponder unusual things when I'm up late, though I'm not nearly as depressed as I was earlier, melancholy season. Thank you St. John's Wort and Jack Daniel's. Where do you carry a stick on a motorcycle, and do I really want the answer? If I were to ever get a chance to visit, would I understand a word anyone was saying? Do American actors move to Australia then go through a lot of voice coaching to lose their American accents? Does Australian television have commercials done with lousy American accents? Do you have America themed restaurants?

[Christo]

Originally Posted by Obsidian16825

I've wished I could visit for years. Never knew how deadly the platapus is. The one on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood seemed so benign.

Just sitting here quietly thinking of a lot of the Australian influences we have here, now that it's nearly midnight, and I often ponder unusual things when I'm up late, though I'm not nearly as depressed as I was earlier, melancholy season. Thank you St. John's Wort and Jack Daniel's. Where do you carry a stick on a motorcycle, and do I really want the answer? If I were to ever get a chance to visit, would I understand a word anyone was saying? Do American actors move to Australia then go through a lot of voice coaching to lose their American accents? Does Australian television have commercials done with lousy American accents? Do you have America themed restaurants?

Sometimes the most benign looking of creatures just happens to be the most cranky!
Case in point the hippopotamus, no one creature in africa kille more people than they do.
Q. Where do you carry your stick on a motorcycle?
A. You strap it to the top of you cooler (known colloquially as an esky, and any esky of less than 24 can size is a useless appliance)
Q. Would I understand a word people were saying?
A. Although "Strine" is our native tongue, most citizens of this wide brown land have learned to speak English, and indeed have aquired more than a passing understanding of American, this is not to say you will understand anything we say, but we will be able to understand you, should you require anything.
Q.Do American actors require voice coaching to lose their American accents.
A. I can still pick out the American accents in the following actors:
Russel Crowe
Mel Gibson
Cate Blanchett
Portia DiRossi
Hugh Jackman, so any time spent in Australia must have been ill spent.
Q. Does Australia have commercials done in lousy American accents?
A. No, Australian actors have very keen hearing and are wonderful mimics, therefore their American accents are always faultless!
Q. Do we have American themed restaurants?
A. We have restaurant chains that purport to be American, i.e. Hogsbreath Saloons, Lone Star steakhouses, KFC, Burger King and McDonalds, and I can assure you that they are more true to the American way of doing things than the "Outback" chain you have there is to the Australian. (I will answer all questions and defend this statement should there be dissention).
As to your depression, the way to a sunny disposition, in my opinion is to spend some time in the sun. As Australia has more sunshine and better beer than anywhere on the face of the planet bar none, I would suggest you put down the Jack, and get rid of your worts, and come on down immediately!
Regards,
Christo.

[HellBent]

Well done , Paul. Someday when I grow up I want to visit. Assuming of course that Barb is willing to precede me with a stick to check for snakes.

Curt