Everything you wanted to know about Australia!

[The Vulcaniser]

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT AUSTRALIA
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Australia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is ... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in America, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[sjnoble2]

Nice...

I do have a question for our Aussie friends.

Years ago, while stationed in Hawaii, the US Navy ran some annual joint training excercises with foreign Navy's. I think it was called RIMPAC. Anyway, one night while I was working in the hospital, they braught in a Austrailian Seaman who had been out drinking and had a nearly fatal blood alcohol level. His mate's refered to something that I vaguely recall as, "Biting the Dolphin". Sound familiar?

Was hoping somebody could fill me in on this quaint, local custom.

[A2rider]

Those were great!

[The Vulcaniser]

Originally Posted by sjnoble2

Nice...

I do have a question for our Aussie friends.

Years ago, while stationed in Hawaii, the US Navy ran some annual joint training excercises with foreign Navy's. I think it was called RIMPAC. Anyway, one night while I was working in the hospital, they braught in a Austrailian Seaman who had been out drinking and had a nearly fatal blood alcohol level. His mate's refered to something that I vaguely recall as, "Biting the Dolphin". Sound familiar?

Was hoping somebody could fill me in on this quaint, local custom.

might have been a Naval term...... i have never heard of it before. Maybe other Aussie members of this place can add some light to it

[Seadog1967]

Originally Posted by The Vulcaniser

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Totally funny. But in my case I was there in 1968 on R + R do you think she was her sister and does she have my change?

[SilverEagle]

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Ahhh what a relief this was, now I know I will do just fine down under..........sorry.....couldn't help myself to chuckle over this one

[BigJohn]

Funny. Thnaks. One of my best memories of Ausies was oof a funny looking cargo airplane landing at Takhli Air Base. The crew disappeared for the night and the next morning most of the beer in the club was gone and there were red kangaroos stincled on the side of all our F-105s. Boy them guys sure can drink.

[V2K_CCTX]

Thats funny

[Obsidian16825]

I can't breathe.

[Cruz]

lol... I can add a few more for your list...

Do Australians say "Put another shrimp on the Barbi"?

Is Foster's really "Australian for beer mate"?

Do the toilets drain backwards?

Why is Australia called the "down under"?

[The Vulcaniser]

Originally Posted by Cruz

lol... I can add a few more for your list...

Do Australians say "Put another shrimp on the Barbi"?

Is Foster's really "Australian for beer mate"?

Do the toilets drain backwards?

Why is Australia called the "down under"?

no..... down here we call them Prawns

as far as i am concerned, Fosters is Australian for swill

Dunno about the way the dunny drains.... i just flush it and leave.

they call it Down Under because on the globe..... it's well....... down under?

[SouthernRider]

I agree with the fosters point....it is crap, but no worse than VB

Best aussie beer in my opinion is Hahn....worthwhile if you can get it...
Best NZ beer is Steinlager, which IMHO is better than Hahn

"Downunder" does not just mean aussie...it means NZ too


And this is how a map should look....with us at the top....

[trikebubble]

Originally Posted by SouthernRider

I agree with the fosters point....it is crap, but no worse than VB

Best aussie beer in my opinion is Hahn....worthwhile if you can get it...
Best NZ beer is Steinlager, which IMHO is better than Hahn

"Downunder" does not just mean aussie...it means NZ too


And this is how a map should look....with us at the top....

Hey, you can't go and do that. We Canucks are s'posed to be at the top of the map (though we don't let our neighbours know that............ )

[Lee_2061]

We're just downunder paying respect to our sheilas, mate.

.....but you already knew that Carlo. :cP

[trikebubble]

Originally Posted by Lee_2061

We're just downunder paying respect to our sheilas, mate.

.....but you already knew that Carlo. :cP

Aye!

[antiq]

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
My personal favorite!

[Mr mischief]

Hmm Reminds me of a joke.

(you’ll have to excuse, can’t find the original)

There was a Beer festival in Brisbane, all the
countries beer company’s sent their rep’s.
Afterwards the rep’s from VB, Fosters, to mention
a few, met up for a drink.
All sat proudly with their own companies
product, proudly before themselves.
There was even a rep from Guinness
(fine old Irish brew) due to the large Irish
contingent in the State.
The rep from Guinness was the last to
sit down. All the other reps looked on
aghast!
‘Hay Mick’, why are you drinking Cola.
Well . . . Mick looked about, studied what the
others where drinking. And said -
Well as you guys are all drinking soft drinks,
I thought not to offend!


Always trust your mother. That's what my Granny said . . .

P.S The red-necks are more fun!
P.P.S Been here over a year, hadn't seen a 'live' wild roo.
Still haven't, but now need a new car. . .
F#2k where'res my headlight an rad' - why is the
sun in the other direction?

Guess - I am imortal. . .well, so far.

[The Vulcaniser]

Originally Posted by trikebubble

Aye!

don't you mean..... EH!!

[The Vulcaniser]

Originally Posted by SouthernRider

I agree with the fosters point....it is crap, but no worse than VB

Best aussie beer in my opinion is Hahn....worthwhile if you can get it...
Best NZ beer is Steinlager, which IMHO is better than Hahn

"Downunder" does not just mean aussie...it means NZ too


And this is how a map should look....with us at the top....

Best Aussie beer is "Tooheys Old" black ale