And the Winner is.....

[Chromequeen]

Texas Chilli Cook-Off

Subject: The Chili Cookoff


Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.


Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something s****ing across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

[2WheelFun]

LMAO! Thanks Joy...I've read this before but it's been quite awhile ago. Talk about a melt down!

[Chromequeen]

Thanks Whistle, I read one a while back that was a bit funnier, but much more vulgar. I put the cleaned up version on here so that we can maintain the family forum prestige that we have.... How's that for Brown-nosing Woody?!

[Green Knight]

Oh sure, the green boxes come out and we all start to suck @ss

[Chromequeen]

What's so funny is GK, I figured you'd be one to comment!
How ya bouncing back there pal? Feeling any better?

[Green Knight]

Only a few sore spots left. Thanks for caring

[Chromequeen]

You're welcome... Glad to hear it.

[2WheelFun]

Man...little green boxes...cleaned up stories...is that all it takes to get a nice audience?

[Freakinout]

Always a classic!

and the green boxes do seem to keep the content a bit more 'family oriented'

[The Vol-can]

Thanks! Thoroughly enjoyed the chili. And, just HOW do you get all those green boxes?!!

[Green Knight]

Originally Posted by Penguin

Thanks! Thoroughly enjoyed the chili. And, just HOW do you get all those green boxes?!!

They are cheaters.

[JTpaintball70]

I liked this one Another great post CQ

[Chromequeen]

Thanks Paint, I thought it would make someone's cheeks hurt momentarily and that's what this forum is all about right?

[Spok]

I've seen this in the past but everytime I read it, it is just soooo funny

[Chromequeen]

Glad I'm not the only one who laughs at someone who has located a uranium spill, and feels that their intestines are a straightpipe of gaseous flames... hehehe

[2WheelFun]

Originally Posted by Chromequeen

Glad I'm not the only one who laughs at someone who has located a uranium spill, and feels that their intestines are a straightpipe of gaseous flames... hehehe

Years ago I was in Raton New Mexico and helped a friend with a horse he was racing there. He told me if the horse won the race he would buy dinner. The horse won big time so we went to a local diner. Eddie...my friend was from Albuquerque New Mexico and from a Spanish community. His mother still lived in a mud shack with dirt floors. They were natives of that area and ate food that was hunted and grown. Anyway...the waitress came to take our order and the first thing Eddie ordered was 2 double shots of Tequila and a small bowl of jalapenos. He began by drinking one shot of Tequila and then eating one jalapeno after another. After drinking the second shot of Tequila...he then finished off the rest of the jalapenos. I sat across from him totally stunned as I saw small beads of sweat coming down his forehead. I was drinking a beer and he asked if I wanted one before they were all gone so I tried eating just the tip of one and my mouth was on fire immediately! To this day I don't know how he could do that! He said at his home that's how they eat jalapenos.

[Chromequeen]

I have a friend who's mom is from Thailand. I have never been one for hot foods, but man, that Thai food is to die for! It is hot, but it also has a different flavor with lime (which I always assumed tasted a bit like lemon) and cilantro, chili peppers etc. I ate some of that food and my mouth was on fire, but I couldn't stop because it was sooooo incredibly delicious. She even taught me how to prepare it, and I love eating it and cooking it! That was at Thanksgiving and now I'm a bit more apt to try something spicy, when before I wouldn't even go there. Tequila chased my jalapeno... Amazing!

[trikebubble]

My vote for hottest goes to Scotch Bonnet Pepper spread. I have friends from Jamaica, and they get this stuff sent to them once in awhile. It's crazy, they put a tiny bit on the end of a knife and spread it on a piece of toast.
It's hot, very hot. Sweat in your knickers hot. Melt your eyeballs hot. Good though.

[Chromequeen]

Melt your eyeballs hot??? Now that's where I draw the line!

[trikebubble]

Originally Posted by Chromequeen

Melt your eyeballs hot??? Now that's where I draw the line!

Maybe it was melt your knickers, and sweat your eyeballs? Either way, it paints a painful picture.