Bad Dreams...

[kawichic]

Wow, now my situation isn't half that bad. My kid has chosen many times to live with me. My BF is a consistency in his life, a more stricter role model, and although my son's been fighting it, he's slowly warming up to him. I think all children need to have that "fear/respect" for the adults in their lives. And my son has none for his father. I know as he gets older, my son will see the man his father really is, and he'll eventually realize that I was always consistent and firm because I care about him. Its just hard waiting until he's old enough to realize that. But the fact that, when his father asked him if he wanted to live with him, my son told him no. He told his father, "Daddy I love you, but my home is with Mama in Maine." It crushed his father, but made me so proud. I'm the stricter parent, I have more rules he must abide by, and I'm raising him to be responsible for his actions. But I think, even at 8 years old, he's come to recognize that living with me is best for him.

[2WheelFun]

Originally Posted by kawichic

His father is very much a manipulator, so its very possible. I dont have cable in my home, especially during the warmer months, to prompt the kids to play outside. My son gets 30 minutes of "tv" after supper and homework, where he can watch 30 minutes of a movie out of the kids collection. Against my wishes, his father got him an x-box and a nintendo handheld game thing. I know he plays mature games because my son remembers the titles of the games, and my boyfriend will say, "Um, that game is rated M for mature..."

I've talked to my ex about it, but "talking" always results to fighting, where he accuses me of trying to control him. My son has suffered from night-terrors ever since he was 4 years old, and sleep walking, so the bad dreams are nothing new. And if his mind is stimulated enough, they can get pretty bad. There are other things too. With me, my son goes to bed at 7:30pm. With his father, he doesn't have a bedtime - just whenever he passes out on the couch. (His father doesn't have his own place so they share a bedroom at his parents condo.) My son, due to having ADHD and other disabilities, is basically on a low-no sugar diet. But his father gives him whatever he wants. I've actually had to sit down and talk to my 8 year old son about what he can and cant have, and the results of having too much sugar in the evening are nightmares and sleeplessness. I had to tell my 8 year old that he needs to be responsible for what he eats and plays because he knows what's allowed and what isnt. Sometimes he's good about it, but other times, he's just being an 8 year old and wants some candy at 9pm, and his father gives it to him.

Its very frustrating. I try very hard to keep my son on a consistent schedule which helps with him coping skills and disabilities. He knows what to expect from me. He has a routine here. And its rare that I stray from the routine. There is comfort in it. Of course, for birthday parties and such, I make expections. I dont want him to miss out of any fun. But for the normal day-to-day, especially during the school week, we stick to the routine. This up coming weekend, my ex will have our son for four days because there is no school on thursday and monday. I'm nervous about that. Every monday, I have to de-program my son from the weekend with his father. Its a constant battle, and very frustrating. And now, my kid is killing me off in his dreams, albeit upset about it, but its sleep he's losing and I'm losing. Not to mention how upsetting it really is.

You certainly know your son and he's very lucky to have you as his mother. It's obvious you're doing all that you can to help him minimize bad dreams he may have. On the other hand it appears that the father is a direct link/reason for his nightmares which obviously stimulates his imagination. Too bad the father can't humble himself for the sake of the son's welfare but that doesn't seem like that will happen.

I wonder if the father was spoiled as a child and his parents allowed him to have his way or if he was a deprived child and has made a promise not to deprive his child like he was? No matter allowing the son to do as he wishes isn't helping.

I'm sure you've studied and investiagted the dreams/nightmares as you have insight to the topic. I did a Google search and found several sites that offer suggestions/information on the topic that may be useful. You'll want to pick and choose what applies but some of it seemed useful and may help.

The main thing that you can/are doing for your son is to assure him of your love for him and discuss with him the good things he remembers and focus on those things so his mind has reinforcement of positives. I'm sure you do that but don't give up since it's positive reinforcement that can have a beneficial effect on him.

when children have nightmares - Google Search=

[kawichic]

His father was spoiled rotten as a child, and still is spoiled as an adult. His mother apparently never asked the doctor to cut that damn chord. It was a constant problem in our marriage. I would tell him no to something, we would discuss why it was a bad idea, and then he would go to Mommy for the money. And because of that, he got himself into serious debt that I spent six years of our marriage working to get us out of. And now that we're divorced, he wants to stick me with half that debt. Ha! See you in court, pal!!

[2WheelFun]

Well that explains the bad dreams that the son is having. Sad!

Maybe his mommy will bail him out....."AGAIN".

It's really not funny as it ends what possibilites there may have been as a family. In any case...keep showing your son the love he needs/deserves and temper it with balance and eventually he should grow out of the bad dreams cycle. If not then getting him professional help may be needed.

[kawichic]

I've actually been contemplating taking him to a pediatric counselor. He's a good boy, but when backed into a corner, he comes out swinging, and its starting to reflect in school. He has some obstacle like his ADHD and auditory disabilities, short term recovery disability, and a couple others that make simple tasks difficult for him. But that's no excuse for him lashing out. I try to teach him there is a time and place for everything, and school is not the place for disrespect and temper tantrums. I tell him that when Mommy goes to the bank and the teller is rude, or doesn't do what I ask, I want to throw myself down on the floor and kick and scream too, but I can't. Its not appropriate no matter how much it might help make me feel better. He laughs at that since visualizing Mommy on the bank floor screaming strikes him as hysterical, because he's always known me to be resilient and fairly calm. But I'll admit, with the economy as it is, my workload being cut drastically, problems with his father, and now the nightmare thing, my patience has just about run out. He just might get to see his mommy on the floor, thrashing about, screaming and crying, "It's NOT fair!!!!" LOL

[Big Ed]

You may want to seek a professional for your son. If for no other reason, this will give a third party witness should the source of the dreams be due to your ex's poor fathering skills.

Should that be the source, do you believe that he will refrain from exposing your son to those games and movies? If not, this would definitely be something to bring up in court when discussing the parenting agreement. This kind of unwholesome behavior on your ex's part could easily disqualify him from any visitation.


Just a thought.

[kawichic]

Yes I have considered that. His father just cut back on his own visitation because he's got a new girlfriend. So instead of having our son from Friday night until Sunday evening, his new visitation will be Saturday late morning until Sunday evening. I live out of state. The drive to his father's is almost 2 hours. It sometimes doesn't feel worth the aggravation, but my son adores his father. Less visitation time only hurts him.

[Big Ed]

Tough situation, all around.

You and your son are in my prayers.

[CTRider]

Originally Posted by 2WheelFun

I wonder if the father was spoiled as a child and his parents allowed him to have his way or if he was a deprived child and has made a promise not to deprive his child like he was? No matter allowing the son to do as he wishes isn't helping.

I'd bet the answer is even more simple: Dad is trying to be the kid's buddy.

[kawichic]

UPDATE: My son had another nightmare last night that turned into a night terror. If you're not familiar with the difference - a nightmare is when your body is in a state of "rest." A night terror is when your body starts out in a state of "rest," but then becomes able to function, walk, talk, eyes open... very freaky. He's had these since he was a toddler, but he doesn't have them all that often now that he's 8. Last night, however, he had one.

My boyfriend and I - live together - were in our bedroom talking. It was late. My son had been sleeping for over an hour. I had my back to the door - my boyfriend was facing the door. I noticed him look up, so I turned around to see my son standing in our doorway, crying. BF asked him what was up, and my son mumbled incoherent sentences. We told him to come into the room and repeat himself. He did, but we still couldn't understand him. That's when I was beginning to suspect that he wasn't fully awake.

I got up and touched his hand, which can sometimes pull him out of it, and said, "Buddy, I can't understand you. Speak up." He took a deep breath, then address my BF who is an ironworker, and said, "Do you have that digger thing that digs dirt in the ground, like a hole, can did a hole in the ground, in the dirt to unburying someone?" As he said this, his hands were making the motion similar to a piece of construction machinary, shoveling dirt from the ground.

"A what?" the BF asked. I escorted my son into the bathroom where I poured him a cup of water - his pediatrician had said that the act of swallowing is NOT voluntary. A person's brain has to consciously demand the throat to swallow which can wake a child from a nightmare. And in the past, it has worked. But not this time. He drank the water, but continued ranting about "uburying a person, and borrowing Bret's equipment that digs dirt to get the person out..." He was visibly upset with this.

I splashed water on his face, then rubbed a soaked hand over his forehead and hair, wetting him down, hoping the cold water would wake him. Then I told him to pee. He said he didn't have to, but I told him to try. Turns out, he did have to pee, alot... and I think the peeing might have pulled him a little further away from the nightmare because when he was done, he tried to walk past me and said he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I stopped him just outside the bathroom and made him look at me. "Who is buried?" I asked him. "Who do you need to dig out?"

He looked at me confused for a moment, then said, "What? I dont know. I wanna go to bed, Ma." I tried again, but he was done crying, obviously awake, and was dead-set on going back to bed. I followed him into the bedroom, tucked him in, and asked if he was alright. He said he was fine and goodnight.

This morning at 6:30, he came out into the living room where I sat drinking my coffee, gave me a hug, said good morning, then went into the kitchen for his morning banana. He finished his banana at the kitchen table, then sat next to me on the couch and snuggled while I watched the morning news. During a commercial break, I asked him if he remembered having a bad dream last night. He said he did, kind of. "Do you remember coming into my bedroom?" I asked him.
"No," he said. "Was I sleep walking?"
"Kind of, yeah, and sleep talking too."
"Oh. I don't know. Why?" he asked.
"I was nervous because I didnt understand what you were saying. What was the dream about? Do you remember?" I said.
He thought for a moment, then said, "I dont remember a lot of it, but someone was in the dirt and needed help getting out, but the dirt was too heavy and I didnt have a shovel..."

I gave him a moment to keep thinking about the dream before I said, "You asked Bret for a digger machine from his work."
He laughed. "I did? I dont remember that."
"Yup," I said with a smile. "But you were crying. Who was stuck in the dirt?"
That's when I lost him. He opened a book on the coffee table and shrugged. "I don't remember. Hey, can I take my Pokemon cards to school today?"

I almost pushed the bad dream issue, because I had a feeling he did remember who was buried in the dirt, but it was obvious he didn't want to talk about it, so I said, "No you know they're not allowed in school. Why dont you go get dressed, and pack your clothes for Daddy's house." He seemed more than willing to oblige and ran down into his room to get his things.

I must admit, I'm worried... I have the phone number to a counseling center in Portland. I might make him an appointment.