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grown old, not grown up
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141 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
The Un-Official Bad Joke Thread

OK, in an attempt to stir up some smiles in this cold, lonely time of year for most of us two-wheelin' types, let's have a joke thread. They can be clean, goofy, or racey, but try to keep it within guidelines, peeps.


What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here, I'll go on ahead...



Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts...



:tongue:
 

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Despicably Incorrigible
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13,699 Posts
A neutron walked into a bar and said "I'd like a beer, please."

After the bartender gave him one, he said "How much will that be?"

"For you?" said the bartender "No charge."
 

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Despicably Incorrigible
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13,699 Posts
Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
 

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Ridin' Red Rock Country
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326 Posts
Three men are out hiking when they see an old man sitting by the edge of a cliff. He waves them over and explains to them that this is a magical cliff. When you jump off of it and shout a word you will turn in to whatever you shout. The three men decide for some reason that this is a good idea.

The first man jumps and yells "HAWK!" and is transformed into a hawk and flies away.

The second man jumps and yells "EAGLE!" and is transformed into an eagle and flies away.

The third man runs to the edge of the cliff, slips at the last second, and yells "OH S***!"
 

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Ridin' Red Rock Country
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326 Posts
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....
 

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491 Posts
What is the difference between a "C" cup and a "P-cup"?????????a C-CUP IS A WOMANS BRA SIZE'S..AND "P-CUP" is what a mexican drivers to work!!!
 

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....

Everytime I hear that joke it just makes me LMFAO!
 

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grown old, not grown up
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141 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 

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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
AWESOME!! I just passed that around here at work.. a afternoon LOL was the ticket everybody needed!
 

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A lonely old lady, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.

He had no arms or legs.

The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs"!

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted."You don't have any hands either"!

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you"!

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently."Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
 

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Some Advice From Your Public Defender

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE F*** UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “Uni-Bonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be p**** off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing sh**. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

“I didn’t put it all the way in.” Not a defense.

“All the money is gone now.” Not a defense

“The ***** deserved it.” Not a defense.

“But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high.” Not a defense.

“She didn’t look thirteen.” Possibly a defense; it depends.

“She didn’t look six.” Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There’s nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
 

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A man walks into a bar in Scotland and sees three rather large women sitting at the bar. He approaches them and says " Might you three ladies be from Scotland?" One turns to him and says "Wales, damnit, it's Wales". So he says "OK, might you three whales be from Scotland?" (the funeral is tomorrow).
 

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grown old, not grown up
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141 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring him in here."
The guy says "But he can talk."
The bartender says "Ok, wise-guy. If you can proove it, he can stay. Otherwise you're both outa here."
The guy pulls up to the bar and says to his dog "Rex, What's on top of the house?"
Rex says "Roof"
The bartender is not amused and motions to the door.
The guy says to his dog "Rex, what does sandpaper feel like?"
Rex says "Ruff"
The bartender makes his way around the bar.
The guy says "Rex, who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
Rex says "Ruth"
They get thrown out...

As they sit on the front steps, Rex turns to his owner and says

"Should I have said DiMaggio?"
 

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This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
 

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Despicably Incorrigible
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13,699 Posts
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
 

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Need Time To Ride
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3,247 Posts
Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By DECEMBER 30th, 2012

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
 

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Super Moderator
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10,774 Posts
I have this mental image of my wife listening intently and taking notes or bawling hers eyes out in frustration. LMFAO!!!!
 
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