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New DMV Exam For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in
California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for
those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving
conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have
realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a
special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles
Metropolitan Area.

2003 STATE OF CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name: __________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney: ____________________
Therapist name: _________________
Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female
____Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of
your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any
way? Yes___ No___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________. If you don't own a cell
phone, please explain why you don't:
___________________________________________ use extra pages, if necessary.

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please! indicate how many times you expect to:
a) Shoot at other drivers _____
b) Be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week:
______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
If less than 1 hour, please explain: ____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready.
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) Using your directional signals.
b) What is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) The wiper blades
b) The belts
c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
a) Security
b) Convenience
c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) Dark, poorly lit roads
b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) Revenge
 
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